Kalena: Testimony

-By Kalena

Come as you are, attitude and all, but be ready for you to change, not them.

I’m embarrassed to admit publicly that I had been struggling for years with looking down on my husband—viewing him critically, cynically, even frequently taking jabs at him. It felt awful. I was angry all the time, and I couldn’t seem to stop. Nothing I was doing was working, and I was exhausting both of us. Later, my husband confessed that he felt like I didn’t respect him—and honestly, that had become true.

I had grown dissatisfied and justified in my impossible expectations, not just for myself but for others too. Strangers, coworkers, easy peezy, I felt like I had this Christ thing in the bag. But the people in my own home? No agape love in sight. It was more like, “you hurt me, I hurt you”—maybe not so dramatic, but internally there was a constant storm of anger and criticism. I was all in my feelings all the time, and in my victimhood. I even expected my teenage daughter to behave like an adult. I didn’t like who I was as a wife, mom or daughter-in-law but I couldn’t break out. Were they wrong a lot, sure, totally. But when I realized the three hardest relationships in my life were all in my household, it finally hit me: I was the common denominator. It’s me. I’m the angry one.

The year before, God had been teaching me about grace—really teaching me to be loved and accepted as I was. I grew a lot, but growth comes in layers. What I’ve learned is that if you don’t accept grace for yourself, chances are it’s probably not extending to others either. If your inner critic never stops, and you’re a perfectionist, you’re probably pretty critical of others too. That was definitely true for me.

I shared this in community group, asked for prayer, and I started to feel more accepted but it hadn’t translated to others yet. Then I felt called to join a Christian 12-step group for “hurts, habits, and hang-ups.” I thought I was going for anger, which I was, but quickly realized the root of everyone’s issues were the same: not trusting God and trying to play God.

Through that process, God showed me how my idols were directly affecting my relationships. Mad about a messy house? I was seeking safety, security and peace in my home and not Him. Mad about a lack of attention? I was putting my husband before God, idolizing Him and wanting to be idolized. Being controlling and angry with my child? I wasn’t trusting God to care for her. Everything traced back to fear and control.

I knew I was controlling—but I had no idea how much. As I read scripture daily about trusting him and his love for me which felt really redundant at the time, like I GET IT Jesus loves me, how many times do you want to tell me?!? This program didn’t mess around with

Romans 12:2 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind[...].

This program was like a deep wash, not a regular rinse. It was scrubbing my mind and literally reshaping my thought patterns daily. It was also REALLY humbling. I had a lot of  apologizing to do and a lot of pent of fear and anxiety still. Every time I felt the urge to control or react in anger, I had to lay that fear at His feet. But not metaphorically. I would literally go in my room throw myself on the ground and and throw my tantrum at God. Underneath all that anger was SO. MUCH. FEAR. I cried more that year than I think I ever have in my life. To be honest I felt a bit unstable. I’m like, is this what the new normal feels like?! Bc this me kinda sucks, I am such a wimp. But I had never learned to deal with things without anger, underneath I was really fragile and volatile. But I was so happy to be less angry.

I had to wrestle with God honestly. I came to Him angry, resistant, even bratty at times—basically saying, “You deal with me, because I don’t want to.” But even then, He met me. Every time. By the end of those moments, He would soften my heart and change my perspective and what I would have turned into a week long fight, he resolved with love. 

That year, I was also meeting weekly with a Christian therapist and a mentor from church. The mentor came first who suggested the therapist based on the anger I was expressing. I also read and continue to read books about marriage and parenting. Those supports were HUGE and I honestly needed all of them. I felt like without them I would have crumbled to pieces. I needed SO MUCH support to change old patterns. God continued to remind me often though, that they were tools, and a gift he had provided me but not the source of my change. He was the one doing the real work.

If you’re stuck, I encourage you to try something different. Pray for willingness to change. Ask God to provide structured support and people to help reshape you. He will.

Matthew 7:7

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

My relationships with my husband and daughter were heading in a really bad direction, things have changed dramatically. I have more peace now, letting God be God instead of trying to control everything myself—which, by the way, never worked. I still have anxiety and am impatient and critical with myself. I always need to learn to surrender and walk with Him daily.

But God has been so patient with me. He waited 35 years for me—I can learn to wait for my family too and to let God change them. I learned it’s my job to love them, and God’s job to change them. My family sees the change, which means a lot. 

Recently, I’m learning to see my husband the way God sees him—to start to speak life into him, compliment him, to notice what’s good, to hold my tongue more. And honestly, it’s a relief to embrace this new role. 

So if you're stuck, you, your spouse or whoever else is close to you and currently reaping the benefits of your sinful nature deserve to see more of Jesus and He longs to give it to you if you ask with a pure heart, are willing to move your feet and are willing for Him to give you some loving humble pie. I used to pray about their sin, and nothing changed but then I prayed a more pure prayer and asked to love them more like Christ and to see them how God sees them. 

James 4:3

Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts

I’m still working on that 3rd relationship and all my baggage I'm projecting, but I trust God will deal with me and shape me on that front soon too.

God’s got this and it's so worth it!