Kalena: Testimony

-By Kalena

Come as you are, attitude and all, but be ready for you to change, not them.

I’m embarrassed to admit publicly that I had been struggling for years with looking down on my husband—viewing him critically, cynically, even frequently taking jabs at him. It felt awful. I was angry all the time, and I couldn’t seem to stop. Nothing I was doing was working, and I was exhausting both of us. Later, my husband confessed that he felt like I didn’t respect him—and honestly, that had become true.

I had grown dissatisfied and justified in my impossible expectations, not just for myself but for others too. Strangers, coworkers, easy peezy, I felt like I had this Christ thing in the bag. But the people in my own home? No agape love in sight. It was more like, “you hurt me, I hurt you”—maybe not so dramatic, but internally there was a constant storm of anger and criticism. It reminds me of two scriptures, one that I might be taking slightly out of context but that convicts me none the less:

1 Timothy 5:8: 

 "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel"

The other was Proverbs 14:1:

 "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands."

I was criticizing by constantly correcting, and I was smothering my daughter and my husband, tearing my own house down.

I knew I was treating those in my house worse than other people, but I couldn’t stop. I was all in my feelings all the time, and in my victimhood. I even expected my teenage daughter to behave like an adult. I didn’t like who I was as a wife, mom or daughter-in-law but I couldn’t break out. Were they wrong a lot, sure, totally and I felt completely justified. But when I realized the three hardest relationships in my life were all in my household, it finally hit me: I was the common denominator. It’s me. I’m the angry one.

The year before, God had been teaching me about grace—really teaching me to be loved and accepted as I was. I grew a lot, but growth comes in layers. What I’ve learned is that if you don’t accept grace for yourself, chances are it’s probably not extending to others either. If your inner critic never stops, and you’re a perfectionist, you’re probably pretty critical of others too. That was definitely true for me.

I shared this in community groups, asked for prayer, and I started to feel the burden lighten. I felt listened to and comforted and no longer in isolation; it was the first step in my awareness towards changing my sinful patterns. Confess my sins to God and to others and pray. But any changes would usually last only a day or two, sometimes just an hour, before I was back in old patterns. Then God started to do what I now realize was answer my prayers. He gave me a desire to join a Christian 12-step group for “hurts, habits, and hang-ups.” This program was not for sissies. It was a year-long intensive 6 workbook overhaul that consumed most of my free time. I had fairly extensive homework and scripture reading every day and met with a group of women once a week. I initially thought I was going for anger, which I was, but quickly realized the root of everyone’s issues were the same: not trusting God and trying to play God.

Through that process, God showed me how my idols were directly affecting my relationships. Mad about a messy house? I was seeking safety, security and peace in my home and not Him. Mad about a lack of attention? I was putting my husband before God, idolizing Him and wanting to be idolized. Being controlling and angry with my child? I wasn’t trusting God to care for her or keep her safe or viewing her as capable to learn from her mistakes. Everything traced back to fear and control. They needed ME, I was the answer to all problems. The wise and mightiful Kalena.

I knew I was controlling—but I had no idea how much and just how much I was damaging my relationships because of it, but he was about to remove the scales big time. As I read scripture daily about trusting him and his love for me, initially it felt really redundant. I was like I GET IT Jesus loves me, how many times do you want to tell me?!? Quite frankly, I was a bit annoyed, but this program didn’t mess around with 

Romans 12:2

 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind[...].” 

This program was like a deep wash, not a regular rinse. You know, that scene in Ariel -who actually calls in Little Mermaid, that's so long- where Sebastian the crab gets picked up by the maids and thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk down the washboard and then thunk thunk thunk again and again,?!? Then wrung out through the drying press and hung out to dry and you’re not sure what hit you. It was kind of like that. It was scrubbing my mind and literally reshaping my thought patterns daily. It was so humbling. I had so many rounds of apologizing to do and a lot of pent of fear and anxiety still to work through. Every time I felt the urge to control or react in anger, I had to lay that fear at His feet. But not metaphorically. I would literally go in my room throw myself on the ground and throw my tantrum at God. Underneath all that anger was SO. MUCH. FEAR. I cried more that year than I think I ever have in my life. To be honest, I felt a bit unstable, and honestly I was. I had majorly built my foundation on control and all of the sudden that huge brick or boulder, was removed. It was like I was walking on one foot as the world was still whirling quickly around me, and I’ll spare you, but it was a rough year with a lot happening. God knew it was crucial that I changed at that moment. I was busy feeling like “is this what the new normal/me feels like?! Bc this sucks, and I am such a wimp” But I had never learned to deal with things without anger, underneath I was really fragile and volatile. But I was so happy to be less angry.

I had to wrestle with God honestly. I came to Him angry, resistant, totally bratty at times—basically saying, “You deal with me, because I don’t want to be nice or take the higher road and I can’t anyway I’ve tried, so you do it, you said you would be strong when I was weak.” I will say, I’ve noticed when I genuinely come to God and put his scripture back at Him in a non-manipulative way, He has delivered. It’s like me coming into agreement with His word and and He’s met me, every time. By the end of those moments, He would soften my heart and change my perspective and what I would have turned into a week long fight, he resolved with love right after. 

That year, I was also meeting weekly with a Christian therapist and a mentor from church. The mentor came first who suggested the therapy based on the anger I was expressing. I also read and continue to read books about marriage and parenting. Those supports were HUGE and I honestly needed all of them. Remember that missing foundational piece, well each one of these supports came along to steady me while I learned to fill in that missing piece with God. Mentor to steady one arm, Christian counselor to hold the other, and my 12-step group to hold the one leg I was holding up in the air steady. I felt like without them I would have crumbled to pieces. I needed SO MUCH support to change old patterns. God continued to remind me often though, that they were tools, and a gift he had provided me but not the source of my change. He was the one doing the real work, but either way, I felt so loved and supported. 

The Christian counseling was and is pivotal because we take the head knowledge and practice it in real time. We’ll take a frustrating encounter, unpack it and role play the healthy way to say it, practice it out loud, that way I am equipped next time it comes up and/or I can circle back now that I’ve dealt with the big emotions and my root causes and talk about it without bitterness. If you haven’t learned to handle conflict well, are avoidant or passive aggressive, this is a game changer. It’s like learning a new language. When I was resistant to using the “I feel” statements for feeling like I was going back to primary school, she actually asked me “how have you survived this long in your life without talking like this?” I was taken aback and a bit embarrassed.They work. 

My mentor at church was healing in many ways, one, I knew and trusted them, they didn't have to spend that time with me and I wasn't paying them, that was healing in itself, that I was important enough for someone to spend a year of their life meeting with me once a week and dealing with all that life has to bring with truth and love. I can’t express how grateful I feel for that time and knowing without a doubt that everything I said was in confidence.Thank you, you were my confidant and sister in arms that kept me from falling.

Lastly, the books I read helped me reinforce the concepts by counselor was telling me and applied stories to them outside of my sessions. It kept me focused on what God was teaching me. 

I know it sounds like a lot, and it was. I could never live every year of my life like this, and if my scenario wasn't so dire I don't think God would have had all those things going at the same time, but like I said, my relationship were screaming “mayday mayday”. If you’re stuck, I encourage you to try something different. Pray for willingness to change and to move your feet in a big way. Ask God to provide structured support and people to help reshape you. He will. 

Matthew 7:7

 “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” 

My relationships with my husband and daughter have changed dramatically. I have more peace now, letting God be God instead of trying to control everything myself—which, obviously never worked. My marriage has more affection, and my daughter is opening up to me more and trusting me with her vulnerability. God has been so patient with me. He waited 35 years for me and he never shames me—I can learn to wait for my family too, be less critical. I learned it’s my job to love them, and God’s job to change them. My family sees the change, which means a lot. My daughter told me “you never use to be like this, what happened to you” and after I told my husband a big reason I was doing all these things was to treat him better, he was a little stunned and sincerely thanked me for it. 

Recently, I’m learning to see my husband the way God sees him—to start to speak life into him, compliment him, to notice what’s good, to hold my tongue more. And honestly, it’s a relief to embrace this new role. My husband's actually pretty awesome too, I was just so busy with my tantrums that I was blinded to what was already there, what I fell in love with. Our relationship for me is sort of resetting; it feels fresh and new which is exciting in itself, and I’ve mostly learned to remember that my daughter is 16 and will act like she’s 16 and that is OKAY.

You know, I think in the future, when I feel like reverting to the whole “you don’t love me how you should so I’m not gonna love you right so THERE” thing I’ll just go full out childish and stick my thumbs in my ears, fingers spread wide, tongue stuck out, and finish it with a big mlehhh. At least it would be more honest and we’d both probably laugh and hug it out. We aren’t that different than we were as kids, we’re just professionals now at using fancy words to say the same things. We certainly aren’t fooling God. I am happy to be on the road to outgrowing some of my childishness, and I am learning to surrender my chains daily.

So if you're stuck, you, your spouse or whoever else is close to you and currently reaping the benefits of your sinful nature deserve to see more of Jesus and He longs to give it to you if you ask with a pure heart, are willing to move your feet and are ready to eat some loving humble pie. I used to pray about my family's sin, and fight giving God my feelings and nothing changed, but then I prayed a more pure prayer and asked to love them more like Christ and to see them how God sees them and give God all the feelings rather than dishing them out on my family. 

James 4:3 

 “Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.“

I’m still working on that 3rd relationship, but I trust God will deal with me and shape me on that front soon too. 

I’m rooting for you. God’s got this and it's so worth it!