Jen H: 🕊️ When the silence breaks: Finding truth in the early morning

-By Jen H 

"Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered." (Psalm 32:1)

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I started September with a necessary, quiet change: an early morning devotional. After multiple honest conversations with Rich, I had to face it—I wasn't in a good place. My familiar tendency to just keep going without ever slowing down had compounded into feelings of anger and resentment. I realized the core issue was a widening gap between the knowledge of God I hold in my head and the reality of my heart—all because I hadn't been consistently carving out time to reflect and read the Word.

The Weight of Silence and Deceit

Waking up at 7 AM to dig into Psalm 32 felt like a desperate move. The first verse speaks of blessing for the one "in whose spirit there is no deceit." As I reread the passage, the Lord held up a mirror to my heart. In conflicts at work and home, I was defensive, accusatory, and blame-shifting. I was puffing myself up, denying my contribution, and suppressing the truth. My anger, frustration, and complaint were at a tipping point and spilling over. The fact that I couldn't see how deceived I'd been revealed just how far I'd drifted.

Then, Psalm 32:3 hit me: "For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long." I knew that groaning—the heavy exhaustion and burnout. I interpreted "keeping silent" as not wrestling with God, not acknowledging my heart's rebellion against Him and others, and trying to attain a superficial peace through sheer will. The next verse showed the reason: God's hand was heavy, and my strength was dried up "as by the heat of summer." I realized that out of His great love, the Lord had permitted these challenges to get my attention, forcing me to stop relying on my own ability and return to Him again.

Trading Denial for Truth

This led to the most critical step, in verse 5: David acknowledged his sin and stopped covering his iniquity. I followed suit, listing the ways I'd been sinning: my self-righteousness, my refusal to draw daily from the deep waters of His Word, and my desire to perform rather than humbly rely on God, and much more.

Later, it says: "Be not like the horse or a mule, without understanding..." (Psalm 32:9). This stood out to me because during that time, I felt lost, lacking the wisdom to discern right from wrong. I identified with this horse! I didn't know how I got to where I was, which further revealed the deceit in my heart. The verse continues, warning that the mule "must be curbed with a bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you." It showed me how easy it is to stray from our God and get swept up in the world's deceitfulness but that God is the one that is holding me close to Him and using different situations for me to look at Him deeply again.

Knowing myself, it is tempting to think, "I have time later to reconnect with God." Just let me finish this, just let me send this email, just let me do the dishes and so on. But in the same chapter, He gave me a stern warning: Offer prayer to God while He may be found, because surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him (Psalm 32:6). I knew I was neck-deep in a great rush of waters, but by God's grace, He was still hearing my prayer.

Now, my daily commitment is to repent— listing the ways I’ve sinned and diving into the living truth of God’s Word. It's not perfect; I fail to wake up some days, but each day is a new day with new mercies. By God's grace, God keeps me close, helping me back up to walk with Him again.

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A Prayer of Reflection

Lord, thank you for forgiving me of my self-righteous pride and my desire to suppress the truth. Help me to be diligent in seeking your truth each day, so that I can walk with you and be a blessing to others. In your Son's name, Amen.